The stories we carry from childhood shape so much of how we move through the world as adults, especially when it comes to our relationship with ourselves, our emotions, and even our bodies. When we grow up with emotionally immature parents—those who aren’t able to meet our emotional needs, either because they are preoccupied with their own struggles or lack the emotional development themselves—we are often left searching for ways to cope. One of the ways this can manifest is through disordered eating, as we try to fill the spaces where emotional nourishment was missing.
This isn’t about blame or pointing fingers. It’s about understanding the connections between our past and the ways we’ve learned to survive. When we begin to explore this, it can open up space for compassion—toward ourselves and even toward the people who raised us. Let’s dive into how growing up with emotionally immature parents might have contributed to the development of disordered eating and how we can begin to heal.
Emotionally immature parents, in many ways, are like children themselves when it comes to their emotional world. They may have never developed the ability to truly attune to their child’s emotional needs. This could be because they never learned how to do that in their own upbringing, or maybe they’re caught in cycles of unhealed trauma, addiction, or mental health struggles. As a result, they often leave their children feeling emotionally neglected, confused, or alone, even if they are physically present.
These parents may:
- Focus primarily on their own needs rather than those of their child.
- Provide inconsistent emotional support, where their responses range from overly attentive to distant and cold.
- Struggle to recognize or validate their child’s emotions, leading to emotional neglect.
- Blur boundaries, sometimes looking to their child to meet their own emotional needs instead of the other way around.
When we don’t get what we need emotionally as children, we find ways to cope, to survive. For many of us, food and body control become one of those ways.
When our emotional needs aren’t met in childhood, we may turn to food as a way to soothe, regulate, or control the emotions we weren’t taught how to handle. Here’s how growing up with emotionally immature parents can create a pathway toward disordered eating:
If our emotions weren’t acknowledged or tended to as children, we might have learned to numb or distract ourselves from those painful feelings in other ways—often through food. Eating can become a way to self-soothe, especially when we feel lonely, sad, or rejected. It’s like trying to fill the emptiness inside, not with the emotional connection we crave, but with something that’s more immediately available—food.
Over time, this relationship with food can become more complicated. What might start as emotional eating can evolve into a pattern of disordered eating when food becomes our primary tool for managing distress.
For many children with emotionally immature parents, the emotional environment is unpredictable. You may never know if your parent is going to show up with love or withdraw in a moment of need. This inconsistency creates an underlying feeling of chaos or instability, and one of the ways we try to manage that is by controlling the one thing we can—our bodies.
For some, this shows up as restrictive eating, where controlling food intake becomes a way to assert mastery over something, especially when everything else feels out of control. For others, it can manifest in bingeing as a way to cope with the overwhelming emotions that they weren’t taught how to navigate.
When our parents don’t validate our emotions, it can make us feel like we don’t matter, like we’re not worthy of love or care. This sense of unworthiness can be deeply internalized, and for many, it translates into dissatisfaction with our bodies. We might start believing that if we could just change the way we look—be thinner, fitter, more attractive—then maybe we would finally be worthy of the love and attention we missed as children.
Disordered eating becomes a way of trying to control or "fix" the body, hoping that in doing so, we’ll fix the deep emotional pain underneath. But of course, no amount of changing our physical appearance can heal the wounds left by emotional neglect.
Children of emotionally immature parents often grow up without the skills to regulate their own emotions. If we weren’t taught how to navigate our emotional landscape, it makes sense that we would look for other ways to cope. Disordered eating can become that coping tool—a way to manage the overwhelming emotions we don’t have the skills to process.
Restricting food intake can numb difficult emotions, while bingeing can provide temporary relief from emotional pain. In both cases, food becomes a way to manage feelings we don’t know how to handle on our own.
When love and approval are conditional in childhood—based on meeting our parent’s needs, behaving a certain way, or achieving certain standards—we can grow up believing that we have to earn love. This often manifests as perfectionism, a constant striving to be good enough, to finally be worthy.
For many, this drive for perfection can extend to their bodies. Disordered eating becomes a way of controlling the body to meet an idealized standard of beauty, fitness, or thinness, in the hopes that achieving this will finally bring the love and validation that was missing in childhood.
It’s important to recognize that disordered eating is often a survival strategy—a way to cope with emotional pain. While it may have served you at one point, it doesn’t have to be the way you continue to navigate the world. Healing is possible, and it begins by acknowledging the emotional wounds that contributed to these patterns.
Here are some steps that might support you on this journey:
1. Recognize and Honor Your Emotional Wounds
Understanding how your childhood experiences with emotionally immature parents impacted you can help you make sense of the coping mechanisms you’ve developed. This recognition isn’t about blaming your parents but about understanding the emotional landscape that shaped you.
2. Learn to Regulate Your Emotions
Developing the skills to manage your emotions in a healthy way can be transformative. Practices like mindfulness, self-compassion, and therapy—particularly modalities like Internal Family Systems (IFS), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)—can help you learn to navigate your emotions without turning to food for comfort or control.
3. Cultivate a Sense of Worth Beyond Your Body
Healing from disordered eating often involves learning to decouple your worth from your appearance. This process can take time, but it starts with challenging the internalized beliefs that tell you your value is tied to how you look. You are inherently worthy, just as you are, regardless of your body size or shape.
4. Nurture a Healthier Relationship with Food
Moving away from disordered eating means reconnecting with your body’s natural hunger and fullness cues, learning to trust yourself again. Intuitive eating approaches can be helpful here, allowing you to build a healthier, more compassionate relationship with food and your body.
If you grew up with emotionally immature parents and have struggled with disordered eating, it’s important to know that your pain is valid, and your journey toward healing is possible. At Inner Atlas Therapy we’re here to support you as you untangle the emotional patterns from your past and build a healthier relationship with yourself and your body. You don’t have to carry the burden alone—reach out to begin the next chapter of your healing.
