Growing up with an alcoholic parent can leave deep emotional scars that often follow us into adulthood. For adult children of alcoholics (ACOA), navigating the complexities of a parent’s addiction—especially when the parent is still actively drinking—can feel overwhelming and exhausting. Even if you’ve moved out of your childhood home, the patterns of dysfunction, neglect, or emotional pain often persist. You may find yourself replaying old roles, struggling with boundaries, or carrying guilt for things that were never yours to fix.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many ACOAs face similar struggles, and it’s important to understand how your past experiences shape your present reality and relationships—and that healing is possible.
Growing up in an environment where alcohol dictated much of your family’s dynamic likely led to certain coping mechanisms and emotional patterns. Below are some common struggles adult children of alcoholics may experience, especially if their parent is still drinking:
1. Hyper-responsibility or Control Issues:
As a child, you may have had to take on a "caretaker" role, feeling responsible for managing your parent’s emotions or the overall stability of the household. As an adult, this can lead to control issues—taking on too much responsibility in relationships or feeling anxious when things feel out of control.
2. Trust and Intimacy Issues:
Growing up with an unpredictable or emotionally unavailable parent can make trust difficult. You might struggle with intimacy, either pushing people away out of fear of being hurt or clinging to unhealthy relationships, unsure of what healthy love looks like.
3. Fear of Conflict:
In many homes with an alcoholic parent, conflict often led to chaos or harm. As a result, you may find yourself avoiding confrontation or becoming a “people pleaser,” constantly putting others’ needs above your own to keep the peace.
4. Perfectionism and Self-Criticism:
You may have internalized the belief that if you were “perfect,” things at home might have been different. This can lead to setting unrealistic expectations for yourself and engaging in harsh self-criticism when you feel you don’t measure up.
5. Struggles with Boundaries:
ACOAs often have difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. You may feel obligated to care for your parent or unable to say "no" to their demands, especially if guilt or manipulation is involved. On the other hand, you might create rigid boundaries to protect yourself from further hurt but find it hard to open up in healthy ways.
When your parent continues to drink and hurt you, the emotional toll can be immense. Even as an adult, the trauma of your childhood can resurface, bringing with it new layers of guilt, anxiety, and pain. Here are some of the unique challenges that come with having an alcoholic parent who is still actively drinking:
1. Perpetual Grief and Helplessness:
Watching your parent continue to drink, knowing it’s harming them and the relationship, can cause a deep sense of grief. You may feel powerless to change the situation, torn between wanting to help and knowing you can’t “fix” them.
2. Replaying Childhood Patterns:
Even as an adult, you might find yourself falling into old roles, such as the caretaker or peacekeeper. You may feel responsible for managing your parent’s emotions or well-being, despite knowing it’s not your job.
3. Guilt and Shame:
It’s common to feel guilty—either for not doing enough to help your parent or for wanting to distance yourself from their addiction. You might also carry shame, believing that their alcoholism is a reflection of something wrong with you, even though it isn’t.
4. Chronic Anxiety:
Growing up with an unpredictable parent can leave you feeling constantly on edge, a state known as hypervigilance. This chronic anxiety may persist into adulthood, making it difficult to relax or trust that things are okay, even when your parent isn’t directly involved in your life.
5. Struggles in Personal Relationships:
The unresolved trauma from your childhood can make forming and maintaining healthy adult relationships difficult. You may be drawn to partners who mirror the emotional unavailability or chaos of your childhood, or you may avoid relationships altogether for fear of being hurt again.
6. Difficulty Setting Boundaries with Your Parent:
As much as you might want to establish boundaries to protect yourself, it can feel impossible to say “no” to your parent without feeling guilty or fearing their reaction. You may also worry that stepping back makes you a “bad” child.
7. Emotional Conflict and Confusion:
It’s normal to feel conflicted between love and loyalty for your parent and the pain they continue to cause. This emotional tug-of-war can make it hard to prioritize your own well-being without feeling selfish or abandoning them.
The journey of healing as an adult child of an alcoholic is not easy, especially when the parent continues to drink and hurt you. However, there are ways to reclaim your sense of self and start building healthier relationships—both with yourself and others. Here are some key steps toward healing:
1. Set Boundaries:
Learning how to set and maintain boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being. Boundaries can be difficult at first, but they are necessary for breaking the cycle of dysfunction and taking care of yourself.
2. Grieve the Relationship You Never Had:
It’s okay to grieve the parent you never had or the relationship you never experienced. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, and loss that come with recognizing your parent’s limitations.
3. Seek Therapy or Support Groups:
Therapy, especially modalities like EMDR or Internal Family Systems (IFS), can help you process the trauma of growing up with an alcoholic parent. Additionally, support groups like Al-Anon provide a space to connect with others who understand your experience.
4. Rebuild Your Identity:
It’s time to explore who you are outside of the roles you were forced to play in your family. What are your needs, desires, and values? Allow yourself to step out of the caretaker or peacekeeper role and discover your authentic self.
5. Release Guilt:
It’s important to remember that your parent’s addiction is not your fault, and their recovery is not your responsibility. Let go of the belief that you must fix them or sacrifice your well-being for their sake.
Living with the ongoing pain of a parent’s alcoholism can feel isolating and overwhelming, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Healing is possible, and you deserve to live a life that isn’t defined by your parent’s choices. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, set boundaries, and create a new narrative for your life—one where your worth is not tied to your parent’s addiction.
If you’re ready to take that step, Inner Atlas Therapy is here to support you on your journey toward healing. Reach out today to learn how we can help you reclaim your sense of self and move forward with clarity and strength.
