Why “I Was the Worst Parent” Isn’t Helpful

Imagine this: An adult child sits across from their parent, sharing a deeply personal wound from childhood—something that left a lasting imprint. The parent listens, then responds with, "I guess I just was the worst parent ever."

It’s a phrase many have heard or even said. It may seem like an innocent expression of hurt, but in reality, it can stop a meaningful conversation in its tracks. As therapists, we see how this dynamic plays out in relationships, often leaving the adult child feeling unseen and the parent stuck in shame. From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, this response isn’t just about the words themselves—it’s about the parts of us that show up in moments of distress.

Why Does This Response Happen? An IFS Perspective

IFS teaches us that our personalities are made up of different parts, each with its own role in protecting us from pain. When a parent hears that their child was hurt by their actions, a few key parts often show up:

• The Protector (Defensive Part): This part jumps in to shield the parent from feelings of guilt or shame. Instead of staying present with the child’s experience, it pivots the conversation to the parent’s pain.
• The Exile (Shame Part): Deep down, many parents carry exiled parts that hold fears of inadequacy or failure. A child’s pain can activate these wounds, making the parent feel like they are fundamentally bad.
• The Pleaser (Fawning Part): Some parents shift into a placating mode, desperately trying to reassure the child or themselves, rather than sitting with the discomfort.

When these parts take over, the parent’s Self—the core, compassionate, grounded part of them—is pushed to the background, making authentic repair difficult.

How This Response Affects the Adult Child

From the child’s perspective, this reaction can feel like an emotional bait-and-switch. Instead of receiving validation, they are now managing their parent’s emotions. This dynamic can:

• Make the child feel guilty for bringing up their pain
• Shut down further communication
• Reinforce patterns where the child takes care of the parent’s emotions instead of their own needs

Over time, this can erode trust and prevent meaningful healing.

Helping Parents Respond Differently: IFS-Informed Strategies

The good news? Parents can learn to navigate these conversations with more presence and curiosity. Here’s how:

1. Recognize the Parts at Play

Encourage parents to notice when a defensive part is activated. Ask: “What is this part afraid might happen if you just listened?” This simple reflection can help create space between the reaction and the response.

2. Speak from Self, Not from a Reactive Part

Instead of letting a defensive protector take over, parents can slow down and access their Self-energy. A response from Self might sound like:

• “I hear that my actions hurt you. That wasn’t my intention, but I can see the impact. Tell me more.”
• “That’s hard to hear, and I really want to understand what that was like for you.”

3. Befriend the Shame (Instead of Letting It Run the Show)

Parents can work with their shame parts rather than letting them hijack the conversation. Instead of believing “I must be a terrible parent”, they can acknowledge: “A part of me feels shame right now, but I don’t have to lead from that place.”

4. Normalize Repair Over Perfection

IFS teaches that healing is always possible. No parent gets it right 100% of the time, but relationships thrive when repair happens.

Instead of seeing accountability as an attack, parents can reframe it as an opportunity: “My child trusts me enough to share this. That means we have a chance to heal.”

Making Room for Healing

Defensiveness in parenting conversations isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign that parts are trying to protect something tender. When parents can step back, recognize those parts, and lead from Self, they create the conditions for deeper healing and connection.

For adult children longing to be heard and for parents struggling with guilt, IFS offers a roadmap: one that moves us from reaction to repair, from shame to self-compassion, and ultimately, from disconnection to deeper understanding.

If this resonates with you or someone you know, we’d love to support you on this journey. Reach out to learn more about how IFS therapy can help navigate these conversations with more clarity and care.

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